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SPACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I made this just for the hell of it, and you're gonna fwcking like it! December 11 How I Got Attacked By Crackwhores: A Rope Of SandWell, unlike pretty much everything I put on here, this one's a true story. Happened to me just a few days ago in fact. So sit back, relax, and I'll start at the beginning of my wacky adventure.
Well, it was a saturay night, and the Sarnia Sting were in town to play the Guelph Storm. I wanted to go to see Steve Stamkos play, since he's supposed to be the top prospect in the draft this year. So five of us got together and went to the game. As we were going to the box office to buy tickets, this nice guy offers to sell us the tickets for $10, instead of the $15 they charge regularly. These were ice level seats, and the tickets were real, so the night was starting off pretty good. We watched the game, fairly uneventfully (Taylor thought he won a freezer during the second intermission, but he was wrong. Although it woulda been pretty freaking sweet if he had). Steve Stamkos was a bit of a dissapointment. I paid good money to watch him have an off night? Anyways, the game ended 3-0 for the Storm, and we left the arena. This is where the story stops sucking as bad.
Walking to the bus stop, we passed two girls going in the opposite direction. The people in front of us said something to them, and the girls said something to us (I wasn't listening at that point), thinking we were the ones saying stuff to them. Anyways, we get to the bus stop, and we're there waiting for the bus, when those two girls walk by again, this time with some guy. Danny mutters something along the lines of "keep walking." A pretty harmless comment, you'd think. Apparently not. These girls seemed to take offense to muttered comments. They came over to where we were standing, seeming quite angry about something. They felt the need to inform us that we were currently located in downtown Guelph. That information may have been helpful if we were lost, however, we knew quite well where we were, and even why we were there, if you can believe it. After informing us of our location, these girls seemed to wish to know if we had a desire to converse with them. Danny (he'll be the one who does all the talking on our side at the start of this whole thing) told them of our lack of desire to communicate with them further. Now, at this point, it became my humble opinion that perhaps these girls were looking for trouble. Instead of doing the sensible thing and simply walking away to wait for their bus on a different part of the downtown square, one of these girls decided it would be a jolly good idea to flick her cigarette at Danny's face. Luckily for Danny, the girl had piss poor aim. Unfortunately for the little kid walking behind Danny at the time, the girl had piss poor aim.
Feeling the need to inform everyone of what her intentions had been, the girl announced exactly what she had been trying to do with that cigarette. Now, quite possibly the most sensible person in this whole situation, the guy with whom the girls had been walking, at this point attempted to take the girls to the other side of the square, and avoid the situation. The girls attempted to struggle, but he did eventually manage to pull them away. Seems like a fairly dull ending to the story, but at least nothing came of it. Well, at least, thats how it would seem, if the story ended here. Which it doesn't, in case you hadn't figured that part out yet.
One of the young women decided that she wasn't done yet, and anounced (presumably to Danny), "I should break my crackpipe and stick it in your fuckin' eye." At this point, I figured it was a bluff. Well, she sure showed me. She pulled a crackpipe from her pocket, and broke it. Things could have gotten very stabby if the guy she was with hadn't once again pulled her back.
Now, I know what you're thinking, this is probably the end of the story. Well, you're wrong. These charming young ladies decided to come back a third time. It seems they wanted to know if we had "learned our lesson." The guy they were with pleaded with us to simply say that we had, even if we hadn't, and get the entire situation over with. Danny didn't heed his advice, as he felt he had done nothing wrong to learn from. This prompted more yelling, much of which was filled with informing us of our location ("You know where you are? You're in downtown fuckin' Guelph!"), and telling us that we "shouldn't mess with townies." After this exchange of pleasantries, one of the young ladies decided to start counting us. Counting is fun, right? She then decided that it would be fun to hit Taylor. Through all of this, remarkably, there was no violence from our side, although if the young ladies had been young gentlemen, this would have been an entirely different story.
Finally, the guy they were with managed to pull them away from us. Our bus came, and we got on, thinking that was the end of it. It pretty much was, although there was a moment when one of the young ladies got on the bus (without her guy friend), where we thought it might not have been. She told us very politely to "not fucking look at her," and that was indeed the end. January 15 Soy Makes Kids Gay!Once again, science proves stuff:
There's a slow poison out there that's severely damaging our children and threatening to tear apart our culture. The ironic part is, it's a "health food," one of our most popular.
Now, I'm a health-food guy, a fanatic who seldom allows anything into his kitchen unless it's organic. I state my bias here just so you'll know I'm not anti-health food. The dangerous food I'm speaking of is soy. Soybean products are feminizing, and they're all over the place. You can hardly escape them anymore. I have nothing against an occasional soy snack. Soy is nutritious and contains lots of good things. Unfortunately, when you eat or drink a lot of soy stuff, you're also getting substantial quantities of estrogens. Estrogens are female hormones. If you're a woman, you're flooding your system with a substance it can't handle in surplus. If you're a man, you're suppressing your masculinity and stimulating your "female side," physically and mentally. In fetal development, the default is being female. All humans (even in old age) tend toward femininity. The main thing that keeps men from diverging into the female pattern is testosterone, and testosterone is suppressed by an excess of estrogen. If you're a grownup, you're already developed, and you're able to fight off some of the damaging effects of soy. Babies aren't so fortunate. Research is now showing that when you feed your baby soy formula, you're giving him or her the equivalent of five birth control pills a day. A baby's endocrine system just can't cope with that kind of massive assault, so some damage is inevitable. At the extreme, the damage can be fatal. Soy is feminizing, and commonly leads to a decrease in the size of the penis, sexual confusion and homosexuality. That's why most of the medical (not socio-spiritual) blame for today's rise in homosexuality must fall upon the rise in soy formula and other soy products. (Most babies are bottle-fed during some part of their infancy, and one-fourth of them are getting soy milk!) Homosexuals often argue that their homosexuality is inborn because "I can't remember a time when I wasn't homosexual." No, homosexuality is always deviant. But now many of them can truthfully say that they can't remember a time when excess estrogen wasn't influencing them. Doctors used to hope soy would reduce hot flashes, prevent cancer and heart disease, and save millions in the Third World from starvation. That was before they knew much about long-term soy use. Now we know it's a classic example of a cure that's worse than the disease. For example, if your baby gets colic from cow's milk, do you switch him to soy milk? Don't even think about it. His phytoestrogen level will jump to 20 times normal. If he is a she, brace yourself for watching her reach menarche as young as seven, robbing her of years of childhood. If he is a boy, it's far worse: He may not reach puberty till much later than normal. Research in 2000 showed that a soy-based diet at any age can lead to a weak thyroid, which commonly produces heart problems and excess fat. Could this explain the dramatic increase in obesity today? Recent research on rats shows testicular atrophy, infertility and uterus hypertrophy (enlargement). This helps explain the infertility epidemic and the sudden growth in fertility clinics. But alas, by the time a soy-damaged infant has grown to adulthood and wants to marry, it's too late to get fixed by a fertility clinic. Worse, there's now scientific evidence that estrogen ingredients in soy products may be boosting the rapidly rising incidence of leukemia in children. In the latest year we have numbers for, new cases in the U.S. jumped 27 percent. In one year! There's also a serious connection between soy and cancer in adults – especially breast cancer. That's why the governments of Israel, the UK, France and New Zealand are already cracking down hard on soy. In sad contrast, 60 percent of the refined foods in U.S. supermarkets now contain soy. Worse, soy use may double in the next few years because (last I heard) the out-of-touch medicrats in the FDA hierarchy are considering allowing manufacturers of cereal, energy bars, fake milk, fake yogurt, etc., to claim that "soy prevents cancer." It doesn't. P.S.: Soy sauce is fine. Unlike soy milk, it's perfectly safe because it's fermented, which changes its molecular structure. Miso, natto and tempeh are also OK, but avoid tofu.
This is only part one of five. To see the full article: http://www.worldnetdaily.com/news/article.asp?ARTICLE_ID=53327 Today's A Snow Day!Thats right, today's a snow day. See you in hell, school. And by hell, of course, I mean tomorrow. Well, since its a snow day, I've decided to come up with a list, off the top of my head, of what to do on a snow day. I'll start thinking of things to do when I press the enter button, right...... now!
Start a lemonade stand at the end of your driveway. Now, this may seem like a bad idea at first, but, when you think about it, all the money you make is profit. Its winter, so all your lemonade is gonna be frozen, right? So, just use snow instead of water. Then, go over to your neighbours house, steal lemons from their coconut bush, and use them with the snow to make lemonade. Just, whatever you do, don't market them as snowcones. Nobody buys yellow snowcones.... except that one kid. Oh, he was so gullible.....
Chase dogs down the street. Now, normally, dogs, with their sharp teeth, and multiple sets of legs, think they're better than you, right? Well, the jokes on them now! Its icy outside, and you've got your uber-grip ice shoes, meaning there's not a chance in hell you're gonna slip. Dogs, on the other hand, just have their claws to dig into the ice with. I say you get out there and show that pack of wild dogs surrounding your house who's boss! Oh, and its FAR more effective if you do this naked. Dogs are afraid of naked people. Why do you think we wear clothes? Wouldn't want to scare our best friends.
Go to school. Now, I know this sounds kinda crazy, but stay with me on this one. See, when you're at school normally, they've always got their eye on you, making sure that you don't steal all of their precious textbooks, which they're so worried about you stealing. But, if you go to school today, they'll realize that you care about your education, and the dire state of public schools and whatnot, and that you wouldn't dare risk your education by depriving the school of its much needed educational resources. So they'll trust you in the classroom by yourself (or with one or two other nerds) all alone with those valuable, valuable textbooks. Leaving you free to steal as many windows as you can fit under your shirt before they come back.
Camp out at a furniture store. Now, everyone likes comfortable furniture, right? So, go spend your day at the furniture store. Bring one or two friends, or that special someone (your cat), and head down to Leons. Have pillow fights in their beds, search for lost change behind the couch cushions, just have a general good time, while being the biggest ass possible. And remember, if you forget where the bathroom is, the nearest recliner will do. If its not already a toilet, its the stores fault, because it should be.
Stand in the middle of the road. Do this all day long. Start as early in the morning as possible, so that you block the snowplows from plowing. This might even extend your snow day to a snow TWO days. Unless, of course, the plow driver is under strict orders not to stop. Or, he could be drunk. In which case, leave all your possessions to me. I'll take good care of them.
Well, thats all I've got. If you think you can do better, be my guest. If not... well... yeah, I got nothing. January 13 Woohoo! New Story!Ok, well, half a story. I wrote it as a screenplay. I was gonna get some friends together and make it into a movie, but I got lazy and never finished writing. So now, I upload onto the internet. Enjoy.
The Passion of the Christ II: Crusify This
Opening Scene: Inside a cave, completely dark. Text flashes across the bottom of the screen: “Year 33 A.D.” Boulder blocking cave entrance rolls away, showing three men outside. Religious Man #1: The messiah, he's gone! Religious Man #2: Where did he go? Title Screen: Picture of a cross “2” Narrator: The Passion of the Christ II: Crucify This Cross rotates, reveals gun, shoots. Scene Two: Words “Present Day” appear at the bottom of the screen. Flash of light. Jesus wakes up in the middle of a town, sits up, looks around, puts on sunglasses. Jesus: This time, it's personal. Chris Tucker: Whats personal man? Jesus: Where the hell did you come from? Chris Tucker: I was back there man. Chris Tucker points behind him. Jesus: What the hell are you talking about? Thats a fence. Chris Tucker: I wasn't back there man. I was back there. Jesus: What the hell are you talking about? Are you on crack? Chris Tucker: Depends what you mean by on, man. The squealing of tires is heard down the street. Jesus looks away from Chris Tucker and sees two cars coming towards them. The passengers of the cars are pointing guns out the window at them. Jesus: Son of a bitch! They found me quick. Jesus grabs Chris Tucker and throws him down under a recycling bin. Jesus crawls under a recycling bin, pulls out a gun, and starts shooting at the people in cars. A long gun battle ensues. Jesus appears to be winning, but re-enforcements for the people in cars drive up. Jesus: Damn it! Jesus pulls out a gun and hands it to Chris Tucker. Jesus: Do you know how to use one of these? Chris Tucker lifts up his hand, revealing a “self wrapped cigarette.” Chris Tucker: Man, do you know how to use one of these? Jesus: Damn it to hell! You're useless. Chris Tucker: Yo man. Don't be hatin' me just cause I'm from African America. You know, you people and your discrimination are whats wrong with this country. Man, us people from African America are just tryin' to live our lives, have a good time along the way, but you all have to go hatin' on us. Just give us a little respect man. Thats all we're askin' for. Just a little respect. All you people do is... Chris Tucker stands up, Jesus pulls him back down just in time to stop him from getting shot. Jesus: Are you out of your mind? What the hell is wrong with you? Do you want to get yourself killed? Chris Tucker: Why all those brothers out there hatin' on you man? You some kinda racist? You got some clan stuff goin' on that you don't want me to know about man? What the hells wrong wit' you? We just want to be left alone man, to do our own thing, but you just can't accept us, can you? Just gotta keep.... Jesus: Just shut the hell up. I'm not racist, and these guys are trying to kill BOTH of us. Not just me. So stay under your freakin' bin there, shut up, and let me shoot these... While Jesus is distracted by Chris Tuckers rants, the people he was shooting at approach and surround him. Jesus looks up. Jesus: Damn it! The bad guys pick up Jesus and start to take him away. Chris Tucker: Damn right! Thats what you get you racist son of a... The bad guys grab Chris Tucker and start to take him away too. Chris Tucker: Hey. Hey! Whatcha'll doin'? I ain't done nothin' wrong. Let go of me. Just because I'm from African America.... The scene fades out. Scene Three: In a gay bar, with Jesus and Chris Tucker unconscious on the floor. Big sign saying “GAY BAR” set up. Random guards around the place. Jesus wakes up and takes a look around. Jesus: God damn it! Chris Tucker wakes up. Chris Tucker: Yo man, I know this place! Its.... I mean... what the hell is we doin' here man? Guard #3: Yeah, uh... we're taking care of some... stuff.... it'd be great if you could just go back unconscious. Thanks. Guard #3 wanders off. Chris Tucker: Yo man, untie me so we can get the hell away from these crazy guys. What the hell's wrong wit' them anyways? Jesus: ... We're not tied up. Chris Tucker: Damn right we aren't. While you were snoozin' on the ground like a lazy ass, I did all the work and untied us. Jesus: I was up before you were. Chris Tucker: Or so it would seem, to the untrained eye. But... Jesus: Just shut up. Random Guy The First walks up. Random Guy The First: Hey baby, why don't we go back to my place and play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell out of me. Chris Tucker: Hey man, whats wrong wit' you? I don't do that man. Git away from me! Go! Random Guy The First walks away. Chris Tucker: We need a plan to get out of here. Alright, I've got it. You distract the guards, and I'll go to the bar and talk to my contacts. I'll buy some drinks, blend into the crowd, all the while gathering information on whats going on and where all the bad guys are. After that... As Chris Tucker is talking, Jesus gets up and starts to walk out. Chris Tucker: Hey, where you goin'? Wait for me yo! Scene fades out. Scene Four: Inside a shoe store. Guy with crazy Chinese mustache behind a counter. A shelf with shoes on it behind him. Jesus and Chris Tucker enter. Chris Tucker: Yo Jesus, what we doin' in here man? Jesus: Jesus needs new sandals. Chris Tucker: Whats wrong with yo' old ones Jesus? Don't ya think you should be thinkin' about them assholes that kidnapped us and less about yo' shoes? Jesus: Look, I have to kick ass. Now, look at my sandals. Jesus points at his sandals. Jesus: How the HELL do you expect me to kick ass in these? Chris Tucker: Jesus man.... Jesus: I NEED NEW SANDALS! Chris Tucker: Aight, aight, chill. Counter Guy: Hellloooo. May I help you? Jesus: I need new sandals. Can you help me out? Counter Guy: A-yeeessss. What size are your feet, sir? Jesus takes off a sandal and puts a foot on the counter. Jesus: This big. Counter Guy: My, what lovely feet you have. I think these would look quite nice on them. Counter Guy gets orange sandals. Jesus: What the hell man. Those aren't ass-kicking sandals. I need some ass kicking sandals. Counter Guy: I see. Well then, how about this lovely pair for your lovely feet. Counter Guy pulls out sandals for Jesus. Counter Guy: I think your partner likes them. Counter Guy winks. Chris Tucker: Whoa man, don't be callin' me his partner. It ain't like that. Counter Guy: Of course, sir. Jesus: They'll do. Counter Guy: Wonderful! And how will you be paying for those? Jesus: Do you accept two thousand year old pocket lint as a form of payment? Counter Guy: A-noooo. Jesus: Can I have this pair for free then? I mean, I am Jesus and all. Counter Guy: A-noooo. Jesus: Come on Chris Tucker, we're going. Chris Tucker: You should really pay for those Jesus. Isn't stealin' a sin or somethin'. Jesus: Come on. I'm freakin' Jesus. I can get away with this stuff once in a while. Jesus and Chris Tucker start to walk out. Counter Guy: Shoplifter! Counter Guy pulls out lightsaber. Counter Guy: You've been a naughty boy, now you must be punished! Jesus pulls out lightsaber. Jesus: No one threatens Jesus with a lightsaber and gets away with it. Jesus and Counter Guy have a lightsaber battle, with much slapping, and a wee bit of hair pulling. Jesus comes out as the victor, but battle scarred. Jesus puts on the sandals. Jesus: Now that I've got my new sandals, I can really kick some ass. Jesus and Chris Tucker walk out. Scene ends. Scene Five: Outside enemy fort of doom. Big sign saying “This Is Definitely Not The Evil Fort of Doom: Keep Out” hangs outside. Evil snowman army guards the entrance. Jesus and Chris Tucker enter opposite the Fort of Doom. Chris Tucker: I don't think this is the place Jesus. The sign says it ain't. Jesus: Seriously. Are you retarded? You've got the intelligence of a five year old. Chris Tucker: Now man, that ain't nice. If you... Jesus: Shut up. I'll need to use my laser guided missile system. Jesus takes out a laser pointer and shines it at the snowman army. Camera focuses in on a snowman. Jesus comes on screen with hands over his head running at the snowman. They collide and there is an explosion. Camera zooms out and snowman army is gone. Jesus and Chris Tucker enter the Evil Fort of Doom. Scene fades out. Scene Six: Inside the Evil Fort of Doom. Jesus and Chris Tucker looking for main bad guy. Shooting random enemies along the way. Jesus and Chris Tucker come across an indoor lake. Dr. Fruitberry standing on other side. Dr. Fruitberry: Jesus, we meet again. Although, it appears that you can't get me. But my evil henchmen of doom can get you. Jesus: Dr. Fruitberry, you're an idiot. You've forgotten two things. We have guns. But not only that, I'm Jesus. So I can fly over this lake. Chris Tucker: Whoa! Jesus, you can fly? Jesus: What kind of religious dude would I be if I couldn't? Chris Tucker: Why don't you just walk across the water man? Jesus: How the hell would I do that? Chris Tucker: Like this. Chris Tucker walks across the lake. Jesus: That was amazing! Jesus flies across the lake. Chris Tucker: It wasn't that hard man. The lake isn't even there. It was just added in during editing. Just like all lakes. Dr. Fruitberry: Ha, you're no match for my laser! Dr. Fruitberry pulls out a laser and shoots at Jesus. The laser reflects off. Jesus: Ha! I'm immune to lasers! Now prepare to be eaten! Jesus picks up Dr. Fruitberry, cracks him open, and eats him. Chris Tucker: Hey man, I was hungry! Why'd you have to go and eat all the food? Jesus: Shut up. Scene Ends. October 02 Support Our Troops Rally?Yeah, so on friday, there was this support our troops rally thing in Toronto. Which has me wondering: do the troops really give a fuck if we have a rally to support them or not? I mean, if I were fighting in Afganastan, I wouldn't give two shits if there was some fatass back home waving a flag saying he supported me and the work I was doing. If you really support me, get off your ass, get yourself a gun, and get the fuck over to wherever I'm fighting and help out. Waving a flag and taking a day off work isn't gonna do jack shit to help. Seriously, these guys are over there, risking their lifes every day, and all you can do is take one day out of your meaningless lives to parade around going "yay team!"? Well, this isn't some sport. This is war. Life or death. Cheering from the sidelines doesn't help, giving the troops a pat on the back and telling them they're doing a good job isn't gonna help. April 17 Woohoo! Sequel!Well, I've decided to write a sequel to my much-loved "English Story" (http://spaces.msn.com/p3n1s/blog/cns!AB7245EBE2C5A5E1!305.entry). It shall be about the adventures Ester and Edward had on their way to France.... which I believe said involved Japanese belly dancers and alchemy practicing warlocks. But I'll write it later. This is just so you know its coming. Heehee, coming. Foreshadowing? Stay tuned to find out. April 12 George Bush Is Gay, And Massari Bothers Little Children (You Can't Argue With My Logic)Well, following Monty Python-esque logic, I've come to two conclusions: George Bush is gay, and Massari bothers little children. The proof? Massari first:
Massari wants to be like Shawn Desman, who wants nothing more than to be like Justin Timberlake. Through one of his videos where he did a MJ impression, we have good evidence that JT wants to be like Michael Jackson, who bothers little children. Therefore, Massari bothers little children.
George Bush? Well, he's from Texas, and his brother Jett legalized gunfighting on the streets of Florida, therefore, he's a cowboy. And if Brokeback Mountain taught us anything, its that cowboys are gay. Therefore, Bush is gay.
And EvilKitty3198234701274091273049210(whatever the hell number you were), I hope you'll for some reason actually read this, because your sense of humour was brilliantly hilarious. February 16 I Love How Math Can Prove AnythingExample proving the population of the universe is exactly 0:
It is known that there are an infinite number of worlds, simply because there is an infinite amount of space for them. However, not every one of them is inhabited. Therefore, there must be a finite number of inhabited worlds. Any finite number divided by infinity is as near to nothing as makes no odds, so the average population of all the planets in the Universe can be said to be zero. From this it follows that the population of the whole Universe is also zero, and that any people you may meet from time to time are merely the products of a deranged imagination. February 12 Words Of WisdomDon't eat pointy things. They're pointy.
Contrary to popular belief, you are immortal. Go ahead, try it out.
The skull and crossbones on chemicals doesn't mean poison. It means its pirate juice. Drinking it makes you rich.
Straight men are actually lesbians with penises.
Wisdom is the apscence of decent advice.
Restraining orders are a form of therapy.
Breast implants do not go in backwards.
Salads are not as amazing as casseroles.
When you're asleep, its like being awake, except you're not aware of whats going on and your eyes are closed and your mind makes up stuff.
The only thing that exists is me. You do not exist.
Left field is where all the cool stuff comes from.
Horses don't make good ponies.
Chickens can't swim. At least, not if you try and ride them. February 06 Is TV The Anti-Reality?Well, is TV the anti-reality? In real life, sex is everywhere, but violence is a definite no. In TV land, hell, go shoot up a store, or a bank, or, you know, an entire country. But if you even think about sex...... that brings up the rating enormously. And I'm leaving out how you can do anything in TV land, but not in real life, so trying to fly like Superman off a tall building probably isn't a good idea. But, you know, if you really wanna try it, don't let me stop you or anything.
Did I have more to say on this topic? I disremember. Jeez, I haven't even cursed once. January 19 Last Entry ReloadedWell, this is just the last entry I did, copied and pasted into the google Korean translator, and then translated into and back out of Korean. Enjoy, dipshit.
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Oh ni all, again as it this of the whole surface and the whole surface it reads and you who will have sexual intercourse will evaluate a humour until, in your mute human waste if. January 16 Clone High QuotesYeah, best fucking show ever. Fuck those people who can't put up with a little racism in a country they don't even fucking live in. I hope they.... fall down and... scrape their knees. That'll teach 'em.
"Why did Ponce have to die? Why couldn't he have three lives like Mario?!" -- JFK
"I like my humping like I like my martinis; dry" -- Gandhi
"Pun?! Heck no. I studied at Oxford. Truckers don't make puns Gandhi, they make deliveries" -- Doug Prepcourse
The answer was C, you fuckwad" -- Mr. Butler-tron
"You've got crabs, assface!" -- Krabby Kakes
"Remember the Memories"
"Let's go for a swim in my pool. And by pool I mean bath tub. And by swimming, I mean SEX!" - J.F.K.
"I'm a Kennedy; I'm not accustomed to tragedy!" -- J.F.K
"I first got the idea for Cloney Island after seeing the movie Jurassic Park 3. But my ill-conceived amusement park will be filled with human clones instead of zoo animals. It's as fool-proof as the amusement park in the movie itself!" -- Principal Scudworth
"Let's go to the Olive Garden. It's like eating in the private kitchen of a delightful Italian stereotype!" - Principal Scudworth
"Stamos! Damn him and his jet-black hair and award-winning smile! Oh I'm a failure! A failure! I start to dial, but I never call anyone back! You should see my car it's a mess. I'm a mess. I go to the submarine sandwich restaurant and I leave my submarine sandwich restaurant value card at home, every time! All I want is a free sandwich. STAMOS!" -- Principal Scudworth
"Why, I watched the first two-thirds of VH-1's M.C. Hammer: Behind the Music, and if there's one thing I learned about money, it's that it never runs out!" -- Principal Scudworth
"When life gives you lemons, you clone those lemons, and make super-lemons." -- Cinnamon J. Scudworth
"Free bacon for Scudworths? Why, I'm a Scudworth!" -- Cinnamon J. Scudworth
"You don't know what you're getting into, and that's out of my friendship. And do you know what hurts the most, Joan? This nail I just stepped on. But there's a metaphorical nail that hurts the second most, and it's from you backstabbing me. So maybe instead of the nail metaphor, I should have used a stabbing metaphor, but it's too late for that now, isn't it?" -- Abe Lincoln
"All celebrities are completely hairless. They put the eyebrows on during editing to make sure the actors make the right facial expressions." -- Ghandi
"Killed him? I saved his life. Of course, he's a cripple now." -- Doug Prepcourse
"I will see you there. And by will, I mean won't. HA HA HA! / Because you're not invited. I, er, wasn't sure if I was clear on that earlier. So you're not. Invited that is. / TO MY PARTY!! / Forgot to wash my hands..." -- JFK
"I've got a delicate flower for you. (pause) In my pants!" -- J.F.K. as he pulls a bouquet of flowers from his pants.
"I can stay UP all night LONG! I accentuated the UP and the LONG for what I hope are, eh, obvious reasons!" -- JFK
"I'm so angry I could...piss...glue..." -- Joan of Arc
"Well son, 50% of high school students are choosing abstinence over sexual relations. But they're not dating Cleo-frigging-patra! Have you seen that girl's ass? It's built like the space shuttle! This could be your only chance to drown the slippery otter! To harpoon the salty whale! To verb the adjective noun! But, you know, abstinence is OK too." -- Abe Lincoln's foster dad's speech to Abe after he admits he is concerned Cleo is going to want to have "es ee ecks" after the prom
Well, I hope you've enjoyed. If not, read it over and over again until you fucking appreciate the humour, you dumb shit. December 13 Oh MySo I just found this on my friends blog, and its amazingly fucking funny, so I'll post it here tonight, and maybe add to the list tomorrow if I don't completely stop giving a shit.
Things That Don't Exist:
An air freshener that smells like marker pens, only non toxic.
The Credible Hulk
A tactful way to eat your neighbour's small child
Objectivity
Choose-your-own adventure hotdogs
Happy endings
Ham and cheese sandwiches that are made out neither ham nor cheese
Eric the Half-Bee
Another person with surname "Hitler"
Family Circus cartoons in which Little Billy's trail tragically leads to a crackhouse
A spelling error in this sentence.
Jack Nicholson but a centaur
A screaming that comes from the sky.
A way for James Bond to escape now. Muahahaha.
In Soviet Russia: you don't exist.
Flinstone's chewable Prozac
Gnome-rental outlets
- sad that one has to resort to lawless methods. such a shame in this day and age. Anti-gravity cats..anti-gravy? The sauce just dont stick.
Like I said, more tomorrow. Wait, is that one part of the list? Stay tuned to find out! Whore. December 03 Ha, Its So Amazingly Racist!Well, I'm generally not one to post other peoples work on this here thing, but I've gotten lazy lately, and haven't had the motivation to put effort into this. Therefore, todays entry will be something my friend Pollock wrote, so don't hate me for it when it offends you.
Hey, I'm not a commie, or a pinko.... I don't vote liberal or embrace minorties, And I know more Amandeeps, Girpreets and Munvirs then I'd like to though I'm certain they're really really nice.
I have a wussy leader, not a president. I speak Jamaican and Punjabi, not English. And I pronounce it 'knickel', not 'nickel'.
I can proudly watch ethinicties burn my flag. I believe in turn the other cheek, not enforcing, inter-racial breeding, not purity, and that the white man is a truly endangered animal.
Canada is the second largest landmass! The first nation of immigrants! and the best part of East India
My name is Pollock!! And I am Canadian!!!
Let the Pollock flaming begin. November 09 How I Learned To Eat Cookies
By: Senior Child Molestation Expert Ollie Tasodomizedorphan
Well, its been a happy day on the orphan farm. Nothing of note happened, so I’ll recount stuff that should have happened. I was sitting in first period, when suddenly the door opened and an angry ninja star wielding fireman hopped in and scowled at us. “What a douchebag!” Shouted someone from the back. “Hush, we’re trying to learn!” Someone from the front quietly shouted back. This person was promptly bombarded with a barrage of flying oysters. Conveniently, the growling pirate ninja fireman took off his pants. While this was going on, I took the opportunity to leave, since this was just another boring day at the orphan farm. On my excursions through the halls of death of this torture chamber, I met three midgets getting sodomized. Well, alright, two of them were me. While walking along, I ran into a scary pirate ship sailing the hallways. I hopped aboard, and a pirate turned to me and said “Arrrrrrrr!” “Shut up douchebag, I’ve had enough of your douchebaggery. Go sodomize someone who gives a fuck,” I replied. The pirate then walked away crying. However, due to his lack of hands, and hooks where hands should be, he only managed to poke out his eyeballs, which were promptly eaten by starving Nazi butlers. Now, these were quite the interesting starving Nazi butlers, as they were also pirates. But not really pirates, ninjas. But not really ninjas, pirates! But not really pirates, ninjas! But not really ninjas, pirates! But not really pirates, ninjas! But not really ninjas, pirates! But not really pir………… When I awoke, I found that the evil rainbow coloured pirate ship was gone. All that was left behind was a starving Nazi butler and a dildo. Well, after using the dildo against the starving Nazi butler and gaining 32 experience points and a new level (I’m level seven now!), I promptly started to ponder the existence of starving Nazi butlers. But they weren’t just starving Nazi butlers, as they were also pirates. But not pirates, ninjas! But not ninjas, pirates! But not pirates, ninjas! But not ninjas, pirates! But not pirates, ninjas! But not ninjas, p… I awoke to find that the starving Nazi butler had respawned and sodomized me with a new dildo he found. Well, after eating what remained of my dildo for warmth, I continued on my merciless voyage to wherever the hell I was going. Continuing along the dark, evil passages of eternal delight, I found myself face to face with the dumbest looking douchebag I had ever seen. And the piece of shit seemed to want to mimic anything I did. I could’ve killed him right there if he wasn’t so devilishly attractive. I took off my pants to have sex with him, and apparently he had the same idea. He didn’t understand that I wanted him to turn around, though, so I obviously continued moving my genitals towards him. He appeared to be doing the same. When our genitals were almost touching, however, we were stopped by a magical force field or something. I tried hard to penetrate the force field, but only succeeded in rupturing a testicle. Apparently the same thing happened to him, too. Well, dejected, I walked on, leaving my pants behind, as I didn’t want to bleed all over them. They were a nice pair of pants, damn it! Suddenly, I was abducted by a gaggle of aliens, who insisted on anally probing me. After they realized, however, that only so many of them could anally probe me at once, they started orally probing me. When that still wasn’t enough room, they created three more orifices to probe me from. What douchebags. After that, more stuff happened, saved the world, discovered the meaning of life, ejaculation, blah blah blah, long story short, that’s why circles are round. Now that’s the end of my story. Stop reading, its over. Seriously, stop. What the fuck is your problem you damn perverted douchebag? Go fuck a lemon, asshole.
I told you to stop fucking reading! What the fuck is wrong with you! Always do what I say! October 25 Underoath- Giving Up Hurts The MostWow, never thought I'd catch myself posting a fucking song here. Someone do me a favour and kill me before this site gets really terrible.
angels mourn crying, praying for your soul as my eyes open from their state of sleep i feel my blood turn into a frozen river nightmares so close death was in the air my heart locked shut, and i gave you the key promise never to leave as lies hold me emptiness fills my broken heart screaming your name hoping for a response, silence summer drowned by winter to look in your face and realized the time we spent the chances i had have drifted away from my fingertips your life, your thoughts, your dreams, your love never tried my hardest and now i cray as the hurt enters i love you and i still love you even though i never showed it a piece of me is gone forever clutching memories held so close repeating words of love spoken to late my eyes look all around but all they can focus on is you for in you i find me days past by and thy death still lingers this coldness will never satisfy me i want to be surrounded by angels in a place where the sun is so warm it burns my insides surrounded by angels where love takes my darkest depressions and throws it into the deepest of sea a place i can call home, i'm crying to you Jesus mend me, break me, make me you're all i've got now my eyes look all around but all they can focus on is you for in you i find me farewell my friend your time has come and never will i be able to tell you i love you again October 23 Thinking: Good or Bad?As the title says, is thinking good or bad. Would life be better without thought, or would thought be better without life. Wow, that last part was weak. Shut up, stop mocking me.
Anyways, to the topic at hand! Why think? Thinking can only lead to bad things. You can think somethings fixed when really its not, and then you're fucked. You can think somethings broken when really its not, and then you do something and fuck it up. Thinking can only fuck things up. The people who developed the A-Bomb honestly thought it would never be used. Look at what their thinking did to Japan. They fucked up because they thought. And they're supposed to be among the smartest people in the world. If smart people thinking can fuck things up, what chance to regular people have to not fuck up with thinking? The only solution is to develop that thing from The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, where it beats you to a bloody pulp if you have an idea. That'll stop thinking once and for all, and everyone will be happy.
Are there really any good things that come from thinking? Inventions, perhaps? Well, lets take a look at some. Television. Everybody likes television. Television has made an entire generation of people fat and lazy. Instead of actually getting physical exercise by going out and playing, they'd rather sit at home and watch people on TV having fun. What the fuck was the guy who invented TV thinking? Another invention? Ok, how about.... writing. Well, everyone seems to think writing is good. Wrong. If we couldn't write things down, this entire thing that I'm writing wouldn't be depressing the shit out of you right now. If we couldn't write things down, how would terrorists and other people get their hands on WMD's and bio/chem weapons. They'd have to steal them, whereas now, thanks to writing, they can just make them themselves. And if it wasn't for writing, you couldn't pick up a paper and find out about all the bad shit thats happening in the world. So now, tell me, have there been any good inventions that happen because of thinking? I doubt it.
So you see my point. Our ability to think has fucked us over. We're doomed to a life of depression and failure, thanks to thinking. Thinkings a bitch, ain't it? October 12 !@#$%^&*SEX!!!!!!!
SEX!!!!!!!
SEX!!!!!!!
SEX!!!!!!!
SEX!!!!!!!
SEX!!!!!!!
SEX!!!!!!!
SEX!!!!!!!
SEX!!!!!!!
SEX!!!!!!!
SEX!!!!!!!
I gave my creativity away.
August 31 Arnold's Four Step Re-Election CampainWell, while I don't follow American politics, I've somehow gotten it into my head that Arnold has to be re-elected as governer soon, so I've come up with a simple, four step process to ensure he gets voted in.
1. Air a whole bunch of Terminatorish commercials. This will lure in the male vote.
2. Air a whole bunch of commercials involving scenes from that movie where Arnold got pregnant. Brings in the female vote.
3. Change the position title to "Governator." Brings in a lot more votes cause its way cooler.
4. Play the Green Day song "Governator" everywhere Arnold goes. Turn their anti-Arnold song around and use it to get him re-elected. Thats thinkin for you.
If he did all that, I'd be sure to vote for him. August 24 Peter Bondra Playing Baseball Now?Well, for those of you who don't follow hockey, firstly, leave my country at once, secondly, stop reading now, because you won't understand.
According to TheFourthPeriod.com, Peter Bondra is close to signing with Atlanta. Atlanta's GM says "he (Bondra) wants to be on a winning team, whether in Washington or Atlanta." Now, this can only mean Peter is going to play baseball. I can hear you now "you idiot, Atlanta's got some kickass players, and they're gonna own this year!" Wrong. Atlanta has Bobby Holik, who's old, and they have Marian Hossa. Thats all. No Kovalchuk, because he say he's playing with Heatley or he's playing in Russia. Anyways, I found this quote funny, so I decided to share it with you all. Stop mocking me! Can You Have Sleep Eating Disorders?Well, as the title says, can you have eating disorders that only exist in your sleep? I know people can sleep walk, and talk in their sleep, but can they eat in their sleep? And constantly? Or throw up in their sleep? How would one treat such a disorder? How rare would this disorder be? What other types of disorders could one have while they are sleeping? For instance, could you be a sleep kleptomaniac?
Btw, thanx OBK for the spelling correction (I found out thats how its spelled yesterday, but was much too lazy to change it + I didn't realize I had ever typed that word before) August 23 The First Adventure Of Apathyman!Well, to make this more entertaining (how intersting can a story about a superhero that doesn't care about anything be), I will add in many oxymorons... well, oxymoron would be kind of an overstatement. More like stupid comments that contradict themselves (but aren't quite oxymorons... they won't reach that level).
It was a rainy winters day. The snow coming down outside was quite unlike the weather July normally provided in Boston, where Apathyman lives. Of course, at the time, Apathyman didn't go by the name of Apathyman, he went by the names of Apa Thyman. On this rainy July winters snowy day, Apa Thyman was walking out of his downtown Newfoundland apartment when she noticed the evil Overachiever Girl and Suck Up Boy, whom he had never seen before, helping an innocent old lady across the street. Well, Apat Hyman could not stand for this! He went right up to the kid in the wheelchair, knocked him over, turned to Suck Up Girl and Overachiever Boy and said, "Well, Overachiever and Suck Up, we meet again! How dare you try to help this innocent five legged dog try to cross the street! Its a good thing I'm not apathetic, for now I can put an end to your do-gooder ways, you evil people!"
In response, Over Up Boy shouted, "This story makes no sense! I have no idea who you are, but you claim that we're meeting again like we're archenemies or something, and this thing we were helping across the street just changed from an old lady to a crippled kid to a five legged dog! Not to mention my name just changed three times in the last five minutes! And where are we, what type of weather are we having, and what the hell time of year is it?"
"Quick Over Up Boy, get the ninja rope, we'll tie him up and preform evil do gooder expirements on him!" Suckachiever Girl exclaimed.
"The three of you will never get away with this," threatened Apath Yman, as she was being shackled up with the spy shackles.
Stay Tuned, the next first adventure of Apathyman coming sooner or later! I reccomend refreshing this webpage every five seconds for at least a year to make sure you don't miss it. When Life Gives You Lemons...Well, I know many people have their own theorys on what you do when this happens, but here's my take on it, I feel its much longer, and therefore better, than everyone elses.
When Life gives you lemons, you make lemonade, right? WRONG! First off, there's no way in hell you can make lemonade with just lemons. You need water and sugar too, and even then its damn hard! Secondly, that bastard Life just screwed you out of what you really wanted, and gave you those crappy lemons instead! Are you gonna take that? Like hell you are! You need to take those lemons and squirt the lemon juice into Life's eyes, then while Life is being blinded by the acids in the lemon juice, you kick Life in its testicles and laugh, but whatever you do, don't point yet. That could be a fatal mistake, since Life is highly trained in Kung Fu and Tai Chi. Now, while Life is lying on the ground in pain, shove one of the remaining lemons down its throat. Bet that bastard didn't see those lemons coming back to bite him in the ass, did he? Showed him. Now, while Life is choking on the lemon, go into its infinitly large bag of things, take whatever it is you really wanted Life to give you, and then, from a save distance, you can point and laugh. But make it quick, cause Life is a bitch, and if you wait too long, it'll get you good.
And thats my extremely violent writing for today. Perhaps I'll think of something decent for tommorrow. August 21 What Do Words Taste Like?Well, upon the request of many a person, I'm going to try to get back to writing this thing.
Anyways, todays topic: what do words taste like? We've all heard the expression about making someone eat their words, so what would the words taste like? Would they taste like the thing they're describing? Would the word "orange" taste like an orange? But what if you were talking about the colour orange? Would it still taste like an orange, or something else entirely? |
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